Are We Secretly Being Graded?

Hey Everyone!

So quick summary of the day: got up, had to turn on the stupid pump for the pool but it means our pool will hopefully be open sooner than later, worked with Chris which wasn't bad since we watched the rest of Monsters Vs Aliens which is such a good film :p and then just went back home. Autism-wise, I think the only part that happened was when I saw two friends of mine at the mall (went there too :P). The thing was, they looked different so I was so unsure about whether I should say hi because what if it wasn't them? Then I'd feel soooo awkward. This probably isn't autism :P but I just have to say maybe it is?

Question for you all though on a general scale. Do you find that in this world, we're all secretly being graded? And I don't mean in school, I mean in public, in our friendships, our relationships, everything? I feel as though no matter what we're doing, even if just enjoying a movie with our friends, we're secretly being graded on how we act, what we do, and who we are. But I suppose that's how life is really; we're constantly being judged and placed next to a standard of how people are suppose to be, and if you are against that standard, you're generally shunned for it and separated from "the herd" if you will. This especially applies in more conservative areas, because everyone in those areas want you to follow their rules so if you try and go against it, or are different, you get kicked to the curb.

This I find is very true because throughout high school, I found that many people seemed that they liked me, but as the years went by, more and more people I found were becoming two faced. For example, students council president, I felt I had strong support and a lot of people in the school liked me, but then at the end when I lost, I found out I lost hard because I only got such a small amount of votes. Basically it just made me go "huh" because so many people had said they'd vote for me because of what I believed was best for the school, and then they turned around and voted for the other candidates. Why? It's plain and simple, the fact is because my autism resulted in me often acting weird with friends or getting in their personal spaces or talking more than I should on topics, as a result people just saw me as weird and therefore would treat me one way to my face but wind up actually being total idiots behind my back. What's more, at one point some idiot of a girl who had pretended to be my friend, created a group called "We Hate Sean" and it basically became a group of about 30 people, though more like 20 since ten were trying to defend me, who would bash me and talk about weird things I did. Such as the fact in music class, I was trying to help this one girl with her solo because I like to try and help people as much as I can, and on the site she goes and says something like "oh he tried to help me with my solo when he can't even sing", yet funny enough it was me getting the 80s and 90s on solos and her getting the 60s...(I apologize if that sounds as though I'm being petty, I'm just saying that I gave her my time when I could have practiced my solo to help her, and she goes around and slams me behind my back. The one good thing about this group was it helped show me who were my true friends, and who were petty fake people who frankly deserved no friends except those who were on that group. I really should have reported it to the Principal since it was cyber-bullying, but I felt I was strong enough to deal with it on my own, which I was slowly becoming more confident in myself. But when I look back, I almost wish I had reported it because then some of the people who had joined who are like 80+ well-respected students would have wound up expelled and it would have shown so many who they really were. But like I said, I'm not that type of person, and I just couldn't do that so I dealt with it on my own by reporting it to Facebook for it's removal and it was removed.

But like I said, it seems we're always being graded as to whether we fit the norm, or fit outside of it. This is another reason why I feel I belong in Toronto or New York or Hollywood, because unlike a place like St. Thomas or London, etc. it's a place that accepts those who perhaps are theatrical, or a bit over the top sometimes. So that's my rant for today. I hope you all enjoyed it and I appreciate you reading :D

Love always,
Sean

Question Authority

Hi Everyone!

So today was a relatively short day starting with heading up to the UWO bookstore to look for a tape that I needed for class which unfortunately they were sold out of, followed with a music lesson.

While later in the day we had a few speeches about Free Speech, Questioning Authority, Love as a Battlefield, that's not the actual title but it's about how people wind up building up ammo against one another in relationships. As well, we learned about Kettlebells which is apparently a fast acting weight loss exercise dumbbell it's just not a dumbbell with evenly distributed weight, it's all focused in the bell and the motion makes you raise your endurance and increase strength. I may look into it as it apparently really does have fast acting as long as you aren't drastically overweight which I'm not.

Anyway, probably only autism-related thing was I wouldn't let some topics go and had to keep adding on to comments I made to the speeches. Finally I just had to stop when they said it's time to move on to the next speech...oops.

Night all,
Sean

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from indomitable will.

Hello Everyone.

So today this post is going to be very different than previous days. I will tell you that I was up all night as once again, my brain was over-stimulated. I did fall asleep though for a short time and woke again at 11AM when my parents came home. I then headed to work from one until three with Chris, where while his own autism was basically the same, meaning very few words could be understood, obsession over Harry Potter such as asking me who died in each book, and of course eating with his mouth open, it was basically a usual day.

Following work I came home, watched television and saw a wonderful Desperate Housewives episode, I really enjoyed it frankly.

However, the reason I said this blog isn't exactly going to be the same is in relation to the words I heard today on Desperate Housewives that can be found in the title of this post. They're words spoken by Mahatma Gandhi, and the reason I'm bringing this forward is because I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself. I've also realized that I'm not really being myself. For one thing, instead of fighting off my quirks caused by my autism, like sharing too much information to people or being paranoid about this and that, I'm letting it control me. It's what has caused me to lose friends because they just didn't understand why I acted the way I did, I've lost popularity (not that I care about this) but obviously I just mean that instead of having a lot of support from people, it was a definite case of people talking behind my back. I'm letting this control me because I perhaps don't actually have the confidence that I should have. I let people take advantage of me, because I suppose in reality I don't have as much confidence as people believe. I'll admit, I don't allow people to ridicule me, and I will shove it back in their faces if I have to, but I don't really take the reins of my life because I have not truly gained my indomitable will. The thing is though, with the obstacles I've gone through I can't help but think I just need to face them head on and remember that I can do anything I put my mind to. Autism should not be something that should limit me, and I think that's the case for anyone. No matter what you have to face in your lives; pain, fear, jealousy, even death, you just need to remember to tell yourself that you are strong and will fight through it.

Remember that, and talk to you all tomorrow.
Sean